Bear Down Wildcats

gumby wrote:What did the fish say when it bonked into a cement wall? Dam!

What did the dam say? Dumb bass!

@ the second part in particular.

Not really a joke, but a saying I remember my grandfather saying decades ago on a nice day:

It's so nice out, I think I'll leave it out.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
.......because they're really good at it.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag.

You can hide but you can't run.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.


Mist.

Greatest Bumper Sticker Ever:

Jesus is Coming...
Get him a Towel

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.



Then they call me ugly and poor.

My wife accused me of being immature.



I told her to get out of my fort.

azgreg wrote:To the handicapped guy who stole my bag.

You can hide but you can't run.

I'm going to hell, but that shit cracked me up.

greg, I laughed a couple times there, @ fort and @ bag jokes in particular

Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.

His condition is described as stable.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...

so it doesn't get weird.

I was telling some sheep jokes the other day.

But none of them laughed and one just ran away going "baa."

I just caught my son playing with himself.
Looks like my cloning experiment was a success.

What's the difference between my jokes and my dick?

Nobody laughs at my jokes.

Honestly the wife does get pissed off over nothing, just yesterday I said to her,

"I don't mean to be patronising, by the way patronising means being spoken down to..."

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

"Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"

The third rule of Fight Club is to have fun and try your best.

It's weird when my mom kisses her grand kids goodnight.

Mostly because they're still in my testicles.

A man walks over to a lady in a bar. "What's your name?" he asks.

The lady replies, "Carmen, because I like cars and men. What's yours?"

"Beercunt" he replies.

My wife said she's leaving me because I never make any sense,

and that's why I don't like cricket.

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a couple of bees? Boobies.

Ok, so this is a picture, but damn it makes me chuckle, and it's dumb, so:

If Will I Am's gravestone doesn't say Will I Was I'll be pretty disappointed.

A redhead tells her blonde friend "I slept with a Brazilian!"
The blonde replies, "Oh you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian?"

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"

I've overcome dyslexia and qualified as a Funeral Director.


I'll give my competitors an urn for their money.

azgreg wrote:A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"

What makes a pirate sad?

A sunken chest and no booty.

azgreg wrote:If Will I Am's gravestone doesn't say Will I Was I'll be pretty disappointed.

And Waswas for Isis.

What's the difference between an ASU diploma and a 14-inch pizza? You can feed a family with the pizza.

Two cannibals sitting down to dinner.

First one, "I hate my wife."

Second one, "Try the potatoes."

I don't know why it took the Germans so long to find Anne Frank in Amsterdam. I was just there, and there's fucking signs for her house everywhere!

You've really got to hand to it blind prostitutes.


What do you call it when Batman missis church? Christian Bale.

Zero wrote:You've really got to hand to it blind prostitutes.

how'd i miss this one before?


...

I've heard this joke before, first time I've seen this picture/meme though.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties...

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said:

"You little prick, your brother won't let me in without a tie..."

My girlfriend was struggling to park the car yesterday.
I said, "You need to get tested."
She said, "I'm not that bad at driving."
I said, "No... I've got chlamydia."

^^^^^^^^
Perfect that a Texan told that joke.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/0 ... mg00000016

What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.
A Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.

The body of executed drug smuggler Andrew Chan will be flown home from Indonesia on Malaysian Airlines.

A spokesperson for his family said it's what Andrew wanted.To be buried at sea.

I convinced my wife to work for the CIA.

So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.

Just heard about the death of Ben E King.

Anyone know what he'd been arrested for?.