Bear Down Wildcats

Just cause everyone has a day where you need a laugh, I thought a fun thread with dumb (and preferably safe for work) jokes in it would be good to have around.

For example, today I needed a laugh, and my nephew helped me out by telling me a really dumb knock knock joke.

*Knock, knock
Who's there?
*Smell Mop


I'll let you finish the joke....

Honestly, the first time he told it to me, it didn't 'click' because I didn't say it fast enough for the words to run together. After it 'clicked' for me, I laughed. Even though it's an utterly dumb joke, it still makes me laugh, even now hours later as I typed it out. Don't know why exactly, it just manages to tickle my funny bone.

This termite walks into a tavern and says, "Is your bar tender here?"

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

Continue joke: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/ ... bar?src=mp

gumby wrote:This termite walks into a tavern and says, "Is your bar tender here?"

This guy walks into a bar and says "ouch!"

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?




About half way.

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?




They each got six months.

Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants?





Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

Why do cows have bells?


Because their horns don't work.

My 9 year old's new favorite joke:

Have you seen the Movie "Constipation"?

No.

That's because it hasn't come out yet.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?



Becuase the "P" is silent.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.


It was a number 2 pencil!

Alieberman wrote:My 9 year old's new favorite joke:

Have you seen the Movie "Constipation"?

No.

That's because it hasn't come out yet.

hahahahah I laughed.

New Yorkers are the fastest readers in the world. They can do 89 stories in 10 seconds
--
Why did Oedipus refuse to use profanity? Because he kissed his mother with that mouth.
--
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection. But he will never give you Up.

What's an innuendo?

It's an Italian suppository . . .

azgreg wrote:Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.


It was a number 2 pencil!

Apparently poo-related jokes make me chuckle.

77HoyaCat4Ever wrote:What's an innuendo?

It's an Italian suppository . . .

heh

A neutron walks into a bar an asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, "for you, no charge."

Daryl Zero wrote:

gumby wrote:This termite walks into a tavern and says, "Is your bar tender here?"

This guy walks into a bar and says "ouch!"

A Sun Devil walks into a bar. The Wildcat ducks.

NYCat wrote:New Yorkers are the fastest readers in the world. They can do 89 stories in 10 seconds
--
Why did Oedipus refuse to use profanity? Because he kissed his mother with that mouth.
--
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection. But he will never give you Up.

You're on a roll.

[youtube]dQw4w9WgXcQ[/youtube]

Did you hear there was a fire at the ASU library?

It destroyed the books, and it was especially tragic because authorities believe half hadn't even been colored yet.

This grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down, and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!"

"Really?" he says. "Mortimer?"

If you took all the soccer fans from around the world and laid then end to end, three-quarters of them would drown.

How do crazy people go through the forest?



They take the psycho path.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?



A wedding.

Q What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?


A Dr. Dre.

Why do elephants wear sandals?


So they don't sink in the sand.


Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?


To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?


They taste funny.

You hear about Bill the cannibal?

Relatively ordinary guy, had a house, a wife, ate children

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?


He wiped his butt.

Check the title ... "that make you laugh."

If Storks bring babies, what brings no babies?

Swallows

What did the Buffalo say to his son the day his son left for college?

Bison.

Family is checking in at a hotel & Dad says under his breath to the front desk clerk, "I hope your porn is disabled."

Clerk whispers back, "it's just normal, regular porn you sick bastard."

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.

1. A man walks into a hospital and sees a women screaming, "Wouldn't! Couldn't! Shouldn't!"

"What's wrong?" he asks a nurse.

"She's pregnant."

"So?"

"Those are the contractions."

2. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a whiskey and ... a soda."

"Why the big pause?"

"Born that way."

azgreg wrote:A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

I have no idea why but the first two lines will make me laugh just by themselves no matter how many times.

These two guys go camping, and one of the guys gets up early the next morning and puts on a bear suit to scare his friend. The friend gets up and comes out of the tent and sees the bear, and all of a sudden he grabs his rifle out of the tent. The guy in the bear suit jumps to his feet and shouts, "Stop! I'm not a bear!" The friend takes aim and fires, and the guy in the bear suit falls to the ground. The friend then walks up to him and sees the zipper and unzips it to find his dying friend.

"Why did you shoot me?" he gasped. "I told you I wasn't a bear."

"Oh!" the friend said. "I thought you said you were a bear."

Whats the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn-husker?

The epileptic corn-husker shucks between fits.

Did you know that Arabian lovemaking was intense?

How do we know soy milk isn't just regular milk calling attention to itself in Spanish?

Headline from The Onion - "Special Needs T-Ball stand pitches perfect game"

What does a vegan zombie eat?
Grrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Reydituto wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

The first monkey hit it on the way down.

what do you call a fly with no wings?



a walk

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.

"Can I have your name, please?"

"Like Edie, as in short for Edith, but it's spelled "Yty."

"Wow! Creative parents?"

"No. They just can't read or write."

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?
A: It runs in your genes.

What did the fish say when it bonked into a cement wall? Dam!

What did the dam say? Dumb bass!