PhDs

[JMarkJohns]

I'll be honest, I'm scared to take the plunge. I've heard horror stories of folks breezing through the classes and then taking 10 years to complete dissertation. I've seen PhDs barely met jobs that I've been working for years. I've heard of many who have 100K+ in debt.

But I think it's supposed to be my next step. I get the feeling things have aligned that I'm going to be both job searching and/or PhD prepping this fall.

What classes should I take next year, if any, to prep?

What are the best books to prepare for GRE?

What should I expect?

I graduated a program in Communication that is coined Utah South, which is a good thing, as Utah is considered a top-5 program nationally in theory, extension, application, and one with a strong media emphasis. I graduated from said program with Distinction, with a Thesis used at University of Erlangen-Nuremberg and requested for publication review by Lambert Academic Publishing.

But I struggled with several classes. It took a lot of work. In some senses, writing my Thesis was easier than several classes.

But I want to teach. I want a higher Ed job.

I'm not sure who else has a PhD, but I know many have gone to earn a Doctorate of some sort.

What am I in for? I trust my colleagues who say I can handle it, but many are the same colleagues who've seemingly lied to my face much of the last year, or who are now bypassing me in interviews.

I know most don't know me, and I think that's why I am curious. No preconceived notions. No vested interest.

[Longhorned]

One of my doctoral students just completed her defense and filed her dissertation. It took her 7 years for the dissertation, mostly because she had two children during that time. I have two more who will take their prelims next year. I try to talk interested scholars out of it, and the ones I have are the ones who wouldn't listen. You have to want it so bad that you have no other choice. Part of it is self-filtering. If you don't get into a program with full funding, then there's nothing you should consider. If you do, let the soul-searching begin then.

I made it all the way: tenured at a Big 10 university. I have great memories of doing my PhD. I had my doubts outwardly because it's almost rude not to, but inwardly I never doubted. I took four years to finish my dissertation, then spent two years as an adjunct before landing a tenure-track job. I have great memories of all the stages.

[Puerco]

Ph.D. in chemistry. Took me six years. Did two years of post doc after, so by the time I entered the workforce I was 30. Was it worth it financially? Probably not, as in hindsight the best financial path in chemistry in the US is probably a fast coursework master's and then off to industry. But it ended up well, as I have a good job, and I've worked in the same company for 18 years doing various mostly interesting jobs.

I agree very much with Longhorned. There are two primary considerations: 1) is the program fully funded? In other words, will THEY pay YOU to attend graduate school? If not, your degree will likely be a financial burden from which you will have difficulty recovering. 4-6 years of graduate tuition is a lot of money these days. 2) do you need a PhD to do what you really, really want to do? I think it goes without saying that having a PhD is a risk career-wise. There are far more positions open around the world which require bachelor's or master's level candidates, and far fewer requiring PhD level qualifications. Being over-educated is a real risk in a poor economy. But if you're set on a particular career path and need the degree, then there's not much other choice.

My graduate school years were some of the best years of my life, and I think it's obvious from the amount of time I spent doing it that I very much enjoyed the lifestyle. But I was paid to go to school. I was never under any financial strain, and I was in my early 20's. The older graduate students did not seem to be having nearly as much fun, to be honest, so keep that in mind.

Good luck with whatever decision you make, JMJ. Feel free to PM me if you want any other detail of my experience.

[Longhorned]

Yeah, to echo Puerco's excellent post, you have to get your tuition covered and a living stipend before even thinking about it. And if the PhD is a requirement for what you want to do, then that's an essential justification. Obviously if you want to go into academia, then you should be looking at PhD programs.

After the PhD, most of the "successful" people who end up on tenure track are at some pretty bad institutions that you've never heard of. Very few are luck enough to land at the University of Arkansas. And if you just crinkled your nose at the University of Arkansas, then a PhD isn't for you.

I'm in the humanities, and in this world, the PhD-to-faculty position is just too high risk. Getting to tenure track at a place even like ASU or Auburn is a rare accomplishment, and the more usual D-League reality is interminable adjunct work without security and disgraceful pay. Those few who do well enough to land the position find themselves back at a new humiliating and insecure multi-year starting point in trying to get tenure, which is quite a hurdle. One of my two continuing doctoral students is independently wealthy, so that solves that. My other two are from Turkey, and so "playing overseas" doesn't have the same connotations of a lesser career that it would otherwise have.

[Puerco]

Two other things to think about:

If you want a tenure-track position, then the name of your graduate school is incredibly important. Pedigree and your academic network very much matter - in many cases moreso than the quality of your thesis. Aim for the most prestgious program you can find.

Even if you come with a Harvard-MIT-Stanford pedigree and are lucky enough to get a tenure-track position getting tenure can be soul-destroying. I always thought I would head towards academia, but after watching a new assistant prof. who started the same time I did go through the frustrations of getting funding, publishing, and hoping for tenure, I quickly decided that it wasn't for me.

I honestly don't know how it works in a teaching college, though. I'm sure it's different, but I'm not sure it's any better.

Longhorned, I thought you were in Science? Didn't realize it was classified as Humanities. Interesante.

[JMarkJohns]

The irony in all this is had I net a secured position as I'd been told many times, I was all set to prep this summer to apply to NAU's PhD in Political Science, and take 1 course every semester, 9 credits a year, and in maybe 8-10 years have my doctorate at age 40ish, and with 10+ years of university teaching experience under my belt, I figure I'd start the search for a tenured position. As a full-time employee, courses are dirt cheap, even for graduate classes. I could have taken 9 credits a year for approximately $1000-1500 dollars.v after four years at that cost, I only need to pay for 2 credits a year for Dissertation, so, all told, I could have self-funded my PhD for a total of $8000-10000, which over a decade is nothing.

Sucks. I truly thought I had the next 10 years of my life planned.

I will continue to pop in and ask questions.

I have no problem teaching anywhere. I like small towns. I can handle big cities. Knowing struggles of salary in Flagstaff, with its high cost of living, I'd prefer a place with national average or lower cost of living.

I'm also not married to the idea of higher academia. But that's the scary part. Kind of wish I'd have done Public Relations rather than traditional journalism. I'd likely still have the photo minor, as Public Relations required a minimum of two photo courses at that time as well.

I've wanted a higher Ed teaching position so long I'm almost too far into the forest to remember where to start looking for anything else.

Can I ask, for those in academia, how many PhDs do you know working adjunct or non-secure year-to-year lines? This is what scares me most. That I spend 5-6 years on something that steals the remainder of my 30s, then exit to the same situation I'm in now. Yes, I'll in theory have a higher pay ceiling and I'll have the terminal degree to finally clear that hurdle on the matrix, but I know two PhDs working the same job I'm working. Same insecurity.

[Longhorned]

I came out of a pretty rigorous program, so most of us didn't end up doing adjunct work, but several did. The saddest kind of adjunct, in my opinion, is those who didn't get tenure after a combined 13 years+ of grad school and tenure-track.

You should be encouraged by your circumstance, JMJ. This new orientation could get you focused on the right programs and funding opportunities to succeed. That lost opportunity to stretch out a PhD at an employee discount from NAU wasn't a good recipe for competing for tenure-line jobs against fellowship-funded candidates from Cal and Yale and Georgetown whose funds seeded additional grants and earned them time to focus on expansive publication records. I'd also be concerned about the letters of recommendation in that scenario. I don't know if you could position yourself for something in industry with that path, but in academia, that sounds like prep for adjuct work. You'll do much better than that now.

[Longhorned]

Longhorned, I thought you were in Science? Didn't realize it was classified as Humanities. Interesante.

No, no. My PhD is in art history, specializing in Greek and Roman architecture. Not a lot of science going on in my world.

[JMarkJohns]

I'm not entirely certain I want a tenure line.

I'm perfectly content with Lecturer. It's a teaching line, pays competitive, and I'm not obligated to publish or perish/fundraise.

Is a PhD typically overkill for these? It seems at NAU it's almost a requisite to be competitive, but maybe smaller colleges or community colleges wouldn't expect it.

[Longhorned]

I'm not entirely certain I want a tenure line.

I'm perfectly content with Lecturer. It's a teaching line, pays competitive, and I'm not obligated to publish or perish/fundraise.

Is a PhD typically overkill for these? It seems at NAU it's almost a requisite to be competitive, but maybe smaller colleges or community colleges wouldn't expect it.

On the one hand, lecturers have the same issue as librarians in that academia is filled with PhD's who can't find a tenure-line position. People used to get a bachelor's degree and then spend 18 months getting a MS in library science to be a librarian. Now people get a PhD in history or whatever, can't get a job as a historian, and so pick up an MS in library science instead. Now the trained librarian can't complete with the librarian with a PhD. Same thing for lecturers. And for 15 years or so now, it's been common for PhD's to teach in community colleges as well. Community Colleges are also really good at limiting any individual's teaching assignments to prevent having to pay benefits, so Community College teaching is basically adjunct as well, relying on commuters driving between schools and trying to fill out their teaching schedules in the face of overly hectic lives without real pay.

As for being content with being a lecturer, everything you've written in the job search thread is consistent with how I've seen lecturers treated at universities. Departments chew them up and spit them out. Happened to me, too. There's such a thing as Security of Employment, but something usually derails it before it happens. So much depends on the good will of faculty and administrators, who move around themselves, and are fickle in any case. One hostile chair, and you're out. More generally, people who stick around for 2-3 years and start acting and feeling like they're part of the community get shown the door. I had this conversation a week ago concerning a lecturer. I asked my unit head if we could hire the person on for next year, but he said that he's concerned that it may give the impression of a longer term commitment. He decided to put in his offer letter language specifying that there's no intention of longer term prospects.

Lecturers who gain Security of Employment are often made to feel very uncomfortable with the hopes that they'll leave. The teaching loads are pretty insane as well, locking them into a flat-line without possibility for development.

[CalStateTempe]

It always amazes me how cutthroat and political academia is, especially compared to and sometimes more so, than the business world.

[CalStateTempe]

What longhorned has described is corporate academia, if there is such a thing. If you can't make the machine go (ie bring in $$$$$) you're out with little to show for your effort. Sure it's not the same as losing an arm in industry but the financial and psychosocial implications are very real.

[gumby]

I was going to suggest community college. Know some full-time teachers at CC who are quite content with just teaching. No research requirement. No publish or perish. Know some adjuncts who are treated like dirt.

Have a friend with a PH.D. and tenure. He tells some interesting stories. They rotate the chairmanship of the department. So sometimes you're "in" and sometimes you're "out." The politics of academia astounds me. Sounds like a cross between the Kremlin and high school cliques.

But I sure am jealous of his schedule -- summers and winter break off. Spring break, too.

[Longhorned]

The campus police are concerned with faculty members keying one another's cars. Faculty members try to bully those who are a threat to their special privilege as a majority. Empowered by their numbers, they try to gain a psychological edge. For the big decisions, administrators side with those majorities even when they don't contribute to university's research and teaching missions. Otherwise, those majorities will overthrow the administrators.

Corruption extends even into promotion and tenure. Money ("discretionary funds") changes hands to grease wheels, and there are middle men in those transactions. People who get caught enjoy all kinds of protections. If you want to be supported, do something wrong. Really wrong. Claim to have produced publications that don't exist and get promoted on that basis. Some colleagues run for-profit journals, and then have students obtain campus money to pay a big fee to publish in those B.S. venues. One colleague's "course project" is to have students carry out his home improvement projects.

Every once in a while, the Chicago Tribune will investigate and write an unbelievable story revealing the extent of scandal. People get fired and face criminal charges. Administrators resign. Boycotts ensue. And then it all starts again.

If you carry out your job ethically and in accordance with the university's values, you're a threat to those who don't. They go after you, and worse, your students. People can't do anything "real" to tenured faculty, but they can and do ruin grad students lives by taking away their funding and effectively putting a sudden end to years and years invested.

[gumby]

In other words, go for it, JMJ! What could possibly go wrong!

[pokinmik]

I'm exhausted and fed-up just from reading these few posts.

[JMarkJohns]

I'm exhausted and fed-up just from reading these few posts.

Me too. I've already talked to an uncle today who is retired from United Blood Services about "Training" positions where I'm hired to synthesize and condense information, create presentations and assessments, and teach people new information on medical practices, procedures.

I'll be exploring this in the mean time.

I will still put in time on PhD programs and maybe lecturer roles at small colleges, but I want nothing to do with what had been described.

I'm also going to return to Photography, and at least pursue it as the art I have meandered away from. I can find fulfillment by maybe that cathartic release, plus maybe teaching an adjunct course here and there in Photography or Communications.

I want what I want and what I want doesn't seem to be reality. At least not at larger universities.

I have some possible adventures on my docket. Just have to wait and see.

[Longhorned]

I'm exhausted and fed-up just from reading these few posts.

Me too. I've already talked to an uncle today who is retired from United Blood Services about "Training" positions where I'm hired to synthesize and condense information, create presentations and assessments, and teach people new information on medical practices, procedures.

I'll be exploring this in the mean time.

I will still put in time on PhD programs and maybe lecturer roles at small colleges, but I want nothing to do with what had been described.

I'm also going to return to Photography, and at least pursue it as the art I have meandered away from. I can find fulfillment by maybe that cathartic release, plus maybe teaching an adjunct course here and there in Photography or Communications.

I want what I want and what I want doesn't seem to be reality. At least not at larger universities.

I have some possible adventures on my docket. Just have to wait and see.

Please keep talking to more people and getting as many opinions as you can.

On a separate note, I like the University of Arizona. And the campuses of the University of California.

I think the Crying Illini are a bunch of turds.

[Puerco]

Politics is everywhere, sadly. I often think a non-research faculty role at a small college would have been my dream job. But I know some of those, and there are plenty of stories about bickering and back-stabbing amongst the profs. Sad, really.

[JMarkJohns]

It's like the world is against people who just want to do their job, do it well, and not rock the boat. I've had nary a complaint. I've only ever heard praise from my peers, and maybe that's my problem. They know I'm not someone who's going to be a part of conniving, so I'm not a potential ally?

If these positions my uncle told me about exist, and I can land one, I think that's actually a good compromise. It includes everything that I do now, including rotating topics, need for engaging presentations and assessments, and could pay better for a long term position.

[CatsbyAZ]

First off, having made sure I earned a bachelor's degree that could power a salary, I have no basis for offering advice on a life in academia. I made a point to steer clear of academia. But, if you've got the time, the novel "Stoner" by John WIlliams gave me a pretty stark look into the personal competitions plaguing academia. In serious terms it dramatizes what Longhorned has described, but from the standpoint of the 1940-60s.
http://www.amazon.com/Stoner-York-Revie ... 1590171993
I recommend it more for those already embarking on a career in academia (Longhorned, if you haven't checked it out) because they're more apt to identify with it, but overall, one of the best, albeit, bleakest novels I've come across.

[Longhorned]

I loved Stoner. Got it as a New York Review of Books release.

I don't mean to say that Academia is a poor life choice. The issue is failing along the way, like in Hoop Dreams. Too many promising and deserving people just don't make it.

Being a a professor is amazing. Every day you get to think about, write about, and teach the obsession that drives your intellectual curiosity. As an archaeologist, my research involves extensive time traveling in fascinating places.

The road to becoming a professor was fantastic. I got to travel all the time and explore all the dimensions of what I found interesting about the world. There were great adventures. I loved the learning. And I never had to deal with the disadvantages of the corporate world, ever. But I'm sure I'd feel different about that road had it ended all of the sudden in the precarious position of being an adjunct lecturer.

The source of most of the negatives I describe is people who don't have a PhD. People who become faculty members by virtue of being licensed professionals, who are unsympathetic toward research. As in architects, who resent how those with a PhD thrive through publishing.

[gumby]

It's like the world is against people who just want to do their job, do it well, and not rock the boat. I've had nary a complaint. I've only ever heard praise from my peers, and maybe that's my problem. They know I'm not someone who's going to be a part of conniving, so I'm not a potential ally?

If these positions my uncle told me about exist, and I can land one, I think that's actually a good compromise. It includes everything that I do now, including rotating topics, need for engaging presentations and assessments, and could pay better for a long term position.

Think it works something like:

Define "job." Let's form a committee.
Define "do." Let's form a committee.
Define "well." Let's form a committee.
Define "rock the boat." Let's form a committee.
Define "complaint." (as opposed to needed constructive criticism). Let's form a committee.

[Longhorned]

Define "complaint." (as opposed to needed constructive criticism). Let's form a committee.

I think the most efficient way to do anything is to file an official grievance. Even something like getting my classes scheduled.

[Puerco]

Possible flip side:

As a tenured professor, can you get pulled in front of Human Resources for harrassment for saying, 'Oh, god damn it!' when you're working in a (mostly) empty laboratory? I guess it was religious harrassment.

[CatsbyAZ]

Corruption extends even into promotion and tenure. Money ("discretionary funds") changes hands to grease wheels, and there are middle men in those transactions. People who get caught enjoy all kinds of protections. If you want to be supported, do something wrong. Really wrong. Claim to have produced publications that don't exist and get promoted on that basis. Some colleagues run for-profit journals, and then have students obtain campus money to pay a big fee to publish in those B.S. venues. One colleague's "course project" is to have students carry out his home improvement projects.

So I guess that begs the question - how does someone become Department Head? When I worked labs for several professors at UA I know they paid their dues and kept their untenured postings with the grant money they brought in (and the tax UA took from it), so is it kind've like working at a major firm? Where it's always the lawyers who bring in the money are the ones fast-tracked for Partnership?

[legallykenny]

Even if you come with a Harvard-MIT-Stanford pedigree and are lucky enough to get a tenure-track position getting tenure can be soul-destroying. I always thought I would head towards academia, but after watching a new assistant prof. who started the same time I did go through the frustrations of getting funding, publishing, and hoping for tenure, I quickly decided that it wasn't for me.

It's unbelievable how brutal competition for tenure track positions are. My sister got a PhD in engineering from Stanford, her dissertation resulted in a patent and couldn't find anything worthwhile so is doing research at one of the DoE national labs. Overpaid and pampered baby boomer faculty need to hurry up and retire to get out of the way.

[legallykenny]

Corruption extends even into promotion and tenure. Money ("discretionary funds") changes hands to grease wheels, and there are middle men in those transactions. People who get caught enjoy all kinds of protections. If you want to be supported, do something wrong. Really wrong. Claim to have produced publications that don't exist and get promoted on that basis. Some colleagues run for-profit journals, and then have students obtain campus money to pay a big fee to publish in those B.S. venues. One colleague's "course project" is to have students carry out his home improvement projects.

So I guess that begs the question - how does someone become Department Head? When I worked labs for several professors at UA I know they paid their dues and kept their untenured postings with the grant money they brought in (and the tax UA took from it), so is it kind've like working at a major firm? Where it's always the lawyers who bring in the money are the ones fast-tracked for Partnership?

My dad is chair of a department at ASU. It's really a combination of factors - you have to be well published but also WANT the admin role and be able to manage the toxic personalities that dominate academia.

[Longhorned]

Corruption extends even into promotion and tenure. Money ("discretionary funds") changes hands to grease wheels, and there are middle men in those transactions. People who get caught enjoy all kinds of protections. If you want to be supported, do something wrong. Really wrong. Claim to have produced publications that don't exist and get promoted on that basis. Some colleagues run for-profit journals, and then have students obtain campus money to pay a big fee to publish in those B.S. venues. One colleague's "course project" is to have students carry out his home improvement projects.

So I guess that begs the question - how does someone become Department Head? When I worked labs for several professors at UA I know they paid their dues and kept their untenured postings with the grant money they brought in (and the tax UA took from it), so is it kind've like working at a major firm? Where it's always the lawyers who bring in the money are the ones fast-tracked for Partnership?

My dad is chair of a department at ASU. It's really a combination of factors - you have to be well published but also WANT the admin role and be able to manage the toxic personalities that dominate academia.

This describes good administrators, the successful faculty members who move on to serve their colleagues and the campus. But there are departmental chairs, and then there are departmental heads, or "unit executive officers" (UEO's) who are subject only to corruptible 5-year reviews, and draw a permanent high-level salary for the remainder of their careers. All too often, the latter are failed academics unable to sustain research productivity, and they can wreak havoc on faculty, students, and staff.

[Daryl Zero]

Corruption extends even into promotion and tenure. Money ("discretionary funds") changes hands to grease wheels, and there are middle men in those transactions. People who get caught enjoy all kinds of protections. If you want to be supported, do something wrong. Really wrong. Claim to have produced publications that don't exist and get promoted on that basis. Some colleagues run for-profit journals, and then have students obtain campus money to pay a big fee to publish in those B.S. venues. One colleague's "course project" is to have students carry out his home improvement projects.

So I guess that begs the question - how does someone become Department Head? When I worked labs for several professors at UA I know they paid their dues and kept their untenured postings with the grant money they brought in (and the tax UA took from it), so is it kind've like working at a major firm? Where it's always the lawyers who bring in the money are the ones fast-tracked for Partnership?

My dad is chair of a department at ASU. It's really a combination of factors - you have to be well published but also WANT the admin role and be able to manage the toxic personalities that dominate academia.

My father was an art history professor and was fairly ambitious about his job. He published but wanted to head a department. He got his wish at the University of Cincinnati in the early 1970s and basically had a mental breakdown trying to handle all of that. He came back to the University of Arizona as just a prof but still always bitched about politics. After law school, I spent one year in a psychology PhD program at the UofA and saw how toxic the situation and the other grad students were. Law school was 80 times better (the fellow students not the teachers who were awful at the UofA mostly at that time). I couldn't take the backstabbing and got out. I can tell you, just in the art history department, politics were horrible and the thing my father hated.

[Longhorned]

What was your dad's area of expertise, DZ?

[Merkin]

Should have gone into administration. The administrators at my employer just love fellow administrators.

http://calcoastnews.com/2015/05/cal-pol ... s-pay-gap/

About 200 Cal Poly faculty members, as well as some student sympathizers, marched outside the administration building Thursday to protest the pay discrepancy between administrators and teachers. [Tribune]

The university faculty union organized the protest, which reached high decibel levels as protesters blew whistles and passing drivers honked their horns. Demonstrators carried signs saying “Money for Managers, Promises for Profs” and “It’s Gone Too Far.”

The faculty union says university spending on administrators increased by 43 percent between 2010 and 2014. The number of administrators rose by 39 percent, according to the union.

Over that same period, the number of students and faculty members each increased by 10 percent. Tuition rose by 41 percent.
CSU trustees approved the hiring of current Cal Poly President Jeffrey Armstrong in early 2011. Armstrong received a compensation package that included $350,000 in yearly pay plus an annual $30,000 supplement that comes from the Cal Poly Foundation.

Until Armstrong’s hiring, the university’s published salary range for campus presidents was $223,584 to $328,212.

Cal Poly administrators currently make an average salary of $107,000, according to the faculty union. Lecturers make an average of $31,000, and the average professor receives $80,000.

Faculty members received an $80 a month increase in 2013-2014, their first raise in six years. Another 1.6 percent raise followed this year, with some lower-paid faculty members receiving a 3 percent pay increase, according to the union.



Cal Poly has students coming out with a BS in CSC or CPE going to work for Google/Apple and so making more than professors do with their PhD.

[Daryl Zero]

What was your dad's area of expertise, DZ?

Modern American painters. He was an authority on John Marin and wrote several books/catalogs on him.
I think his favorite painter was Pollock and I know he liked Rothko.
Growing up, most of our "vacations" were his work trips. We met John Marin's son and wife and their daughter (granddaughter) and stayed in Maine for a while.

[Longhorned]

What was your dad's area of expertise, DZ?

Modern American painters. He was an authority on John Marin and wrote several books/catalogs on him.
I think his favorite painter was Pollock and I know he liked Rothko.
Growing up, most of our "vacations" were his work trips. We met John Marin's son and wife and their daughter (granddaughter) and stayed in Maine for a while.

I'm noticing that a bit with our family "vacations" as well. I have to be careful.

[UAEebs86]

What was your dad's area of expertise, DZ?

Modern American painters. He was an authority on John Marin and wrote several books/catalogs on him.
I think his favorite painter was Pollock and I know he liked Rothko.
Growing up, most of our "vacations" were his work trips. We met John Marin's son and wife and their daughter (granddaughter) and stayed in Maine for a while.

I'm noticing that a bit with our family "vacations" as well. I have to be careful.

I don't think the parrot minds.

[Puerco]

What was your dad's area of expertise, DZ?

Modern American painters. He was an authority on John Marin and wrote several books/catalogs on him.
I think his favorite painter was Pollock and I know he liked Rothko.
Growing up, most of our "vacations" were his work trips. We met John Marin's son and wife and their daughter (granddaughter) and stayed in Maine for a while.

I'm noticing that a bit with our family "vacations" as well. I have to be careful.

I don't think the parrot minds.

Future rep earned...

[Longhorned]

I'm envisioning an illustrated children's book titled A Hard Time for Parrot.

[Daryl Zero]

I'm envisioning an illustrated children's book titled A Hard Time for Parrot.

I'm thinking more along the lines of "Bird of Paradigms"

[Merkin]

[Merkin]