Bear Down Wildcats

Alright...my first ever relationship post on any forum ever.

Does anyone here have any experiences/insights with dating someone with fairly serious anxiety issues? This is a first for me and it's truly perplexing how to handle it. I'm very introverted and shy, especially around new people, so being open about feelings, emotions, etc. is hard enough as it is...but dating someone with anxiety makes this so much more difficult. I never know where I stand and communication about the relationship is rather hard. Progressing things is rough. Things have stagnated a bit and I want to blame my cowardice and her anxiety for being major factors here. Her issues really amp up my insecurities, which in turn most likely (even if subconsciously) cause her to evaluate if I'm even the right guy for her. So her issue stokes mine, which in turn probably devalues me in her mind. Vicious circle that.

She is open that she has these issues, and has shared readings with me about the it, so she obviously wants me to understand. Sometimes we'll go out several days in a row and have a great time. Then I won't hear a peep from her for a few days and it freaks me out. Then things will be good again. If I bump into her unexpectedly out somewhere she tends to hide/pretend she doesn't see me. Really awkward. It is however one hallmark of people with anxiety to react like that when seeing someone unexpectedly and out of context.

I really want this relationship to grow into something very meaningful but I don't really know how to break through and avoid the minefield of anxiety triggers. Women lay enough traps and mines anyway, but this just adds a bit more peril into the mix. I do not want to just wash my hands of the situation because it's uncomfortable. She means a lot to me but this is hard...

Have any of you experienced anything like this and if so how did you handle it?

Here is something my Dad taught me, it is crude and not based in science, but it has worked for me and all my bros that broke this rule have regretted it. The first rule of relationships...Don't F Crazy People. These people may seem interesting, quirky, and even attractive. The problem is that they are not predictable and it is impossible to reprogram them once they are adults. Also, the problems tend to magnify as they get more comfortable with you and when they get older, especially if they don't find professional help. Even then, it is a problem that will need to be managed with counseling or medication. God forbid they start to self-medicate with drinking or drugs. Also, crazy people also tend to have crazy kids, compounding the crazy. Stay friends, offer help, don't have sex. Things can advance if they prove they can get their shit together for an extended period of time.

Is she opposed to medication? Is she on it and then suddenly goes off it?

I dated a wonderful person until one day her physician thought it was a good time to take her off her anti-anxiety medication, and she completely fell apart. I experienced similar things to what you describe. Once the doctor put her back on the meds, she became her usual, healthy, happy self again and has been since.

People aren't "more themselves" suffering from anxiety without medication than I am "more myself" suffering from allergies without my medication.

So I wouldn't be surprised if the good parts of her that attract you to her are the real her, and the rest can be taken care of with a pill.

She's on meds and has been seeing docs for many years. I do not know if she takes time off from her meds, perhaps. I am unaware if she has seen a doctor however since she moved to Tucson almost a year ago however. She knows she has these issues and is very aware of them, but that doesn't make it any easier for her. This girl means the world to me but this situation is very...awkward.

Talk to her openly about her meds and when or whether she is going off of them. Her anxiety shouldn't preclude her from talking about that with you. You can't be in a relationship if she isn't open about that.

head for the hills, seriously

97cats wrote:head for the hills, seriously

Not the worst advice!

Bottom line... She is who she is, you are who you are.... Neither of you is going to change. You can't fix her. These problems won't go away... Maybe they will to appear to for a week or a month.... But they will ALWAYS come back

My sister in law has similar issues. Meds help, but she is still crazy...crazy enough not to want to take meds...so thus, the problems are ever present and they manifest themselves in a way that drag down everyone and everything.

The issues you see will never go away.

I don't really mind the issues, I have my own in spades (though not debilitating). I think she's worth it (at the moment anyway). I just want to navigate the issues in the most healthy way possible. Outside of the weird awkwardness at times we click on almost every level, have similar goals, dreams, and interests. I'm just frustrated. I feel a lot of it boils down to two very introverted people not feeling comfortably communicating about serious issues. We need to, but the timing never seems right. When things are going smooth I don't want to bring this stuff up that could fuck things up, when things are strained I don't feel I can bring these things up because I'm afraid it'll aggravate whatever she's going through at the moment...

We've been playing this game on and off again for 6 months and it's emotionally exhausting at times. But at least right now I'm pretty hooked on her.

Alieberman wrote:

97cats wrote:head for the hills, seriously

Not the worst advice!

Bottom line... She is who she is, you are who you are.... Neither of you is going to change. You can't fix her. These problems won't go away... Maybe they will to appear to for a week or a month.... But they will ALWAYS come back

It's tough though because if you truly care for someone, you also care what they will think and/or do if you end the relationship.

If it was me, I'd say that I need a break due to things I'm going through (patented Costanza "it's not you, it's me") and then stay in touch but don't try and date again unless you see a remarkable improvement. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost though. It's selfish, but you can't be happy solely trying to make someone else happy, especially if their mental health prohibits or inhibits that happiness.

Be upfront and honest and tell her you care and want her to get better and are willing to do what you can to help see that through.

If you feel the juice is worth the squeeze then tell her that in a better way, lay out your expections, and what you are and aren't willing to do and ask her to do the same. If it is meant to be and she cares she will do her best and get better if she trusts you.

PIIHB

Everyone has their own issues, so does every relationship. That's basically what relationships are..."how are we going to tackle this issue??"

The problem is, the longer you go on...the more tied in the two of you become. Just realize things are not going to change or get better...it is what it is.

the real dill wrote:PIIHB

I had to look this up. Don't do this...not yet at least.

Seriously, if you have your own problems, you really ought to think about finding a well-grounded individual who appreciates you for who you are and has their shit together. I am a hot mess, but my wife is a social worker, great mother, great personality, great wife It works because we are different. I keep her laughing and on her toes and she keeps my feed on the ground. Two people with serious issues should probably should not be together. Someone in the relationship has to be the adult. Now, I don't know you and don't know her so take this for what it is worth. If she appears to be able to support your needs and isn't a black hole of neediness, then it might work. It is so much easier to be the needy one though, so hard to be the giver

I'm hardly the guy to give relationship advice, but it's the Internet, so we are all fucking experts. Try it for a while. If she's not willing to get stable on medical care and meds, then pull the pin and DTMFA.

UALoco wrote:Seriously, if you have your own problems, you really ought to think about finding a well-grounded individual who appreciates you for who you are and has their shit together. I am a hot mess, but my wife is a social worker, great mother, great personality, great wife It works because we are different. I keep her laughing and on her toes and she keeps my feed on the ground. Two people with serious issues should probably should not be together. Someone in the relationship has to be the adult. Now, I don't know you and don't know her so take this for what it is worth. If she appears to be able to support your needs and isn't a black hole of neediness, then it might work. It is so much easier to be the needy one though, so hard to be the giver

It's turning out that surprisingly I'm the more needy one here, at least superficially. That has never been the case for me in the past. I was always the one who wanted space, time on my own, with friends, etc. With her...shit, if I don't get a text back from her for a few hours I start to get all insecure and concerned. That also is not usually 'me'. lol

UAdevil wrote:

UALoco wrote:Seriously, if you have your own problems, you really ought to think about finding a well-grounded individual who appreciates you for who you are and has their shit together. I am a hot mess, but my wife is a social worker, great mother, great personality, great wife It works because we are different. I keep her laughing and on her toes and she keeps my feed on the ground. Two people with serious issues should probably should not be together. Someone in the relationship has to be the adult. Now, I don't know you and don't know her so take this for what it is worth. If she appears to be able to support your needs and isn't a black hole of neediness, then it might work. It is so much easier to be the needy one though, so hard to be the giver

It's turning out that surprisingly I'm the more needy one here, at least superficially. That has never been the case for me in the past. I was always the one who wanted space, time on my own, with friends, etc. With her...shit, if I don't get a text back from her for a few hours I start to get all insecure and concerned. That also is not usually 'me'. lol

That's funny. In college I dated this girl but I kept breaking up with her because I felt she was too needy. I finally realized it wasn't going to change so I ended up breaking up with her a final time and I moved away. While I was moved away she found her own life and we stayed in contact. Things then completely turned. She didn't really need me anymore and I totally needed her.

We just celebrated our 16th anniversary.

There are other more superficial considerations...is she hot? does she look like her mom and is she hot(as a sign of what she might look like 30 yrs from now)? does she have income potential? does her family have money (like a beach house on newport beach money)?

and also some other factors....does she have creative talents (sign, dance, play an instrument, write)? Is she a wildcat fan(this is important)? does she get along with other people-especially kids?

It is a package deal man.

97cats wrote:head for the hills, seriously

The SCCat version of this: There's 3.5 billion women in the world. Find a different one.

UALoco wrote:There are other more superficial considerations...is she hot? does she look like her mom and is she hot(as a sign of what she might look like 30 yrs from now)? does she have income potential? does her family have money (like a beach house on newport beach money)?

and also some other factors....does she have creative talents (sign, dance, play an instrument, write)? Is she a wildcat fan(this is important)? does she get along with other people-especially kids?

It is a package deal man.

-Cute, but nerdy, which I like
-Mom is still pretty hot in her late 50s
-Decent income potential
-Family is loaded
-Draws, paints, writes

Had a long term relationship with a girl who became seriously depressive in the middle. My advice: if you're not desperately in love, then end it now. If you think it's eventually going to end, then the more you drag it out the worse it gets for both of you. I dragged the thing on for two years longer than I should have for all the reasons Chicat mentioned above. Not a good idea for either of us...

This thread still awaits nude photos of anxious ex-girlfriends.

Let me start by sharing that I am an experienced behavioral health clinician (including years experience in relationship counseling) AND have had long-term relationship (past tense) with one who had significant anxiety issues.

Early in a relationship, these kind of issues can really hamper development of a true and abiding connection - I'd recommend respecting the obstacles at this stage, and not trying to force, or pretend, that a real connection is developing. I always say, look at your, and the other's, past relationships for the best prediction of outcome. If there is not already a strong relationship or commitment, why push through?

However, the extent of one's issues and/or impairment may not be fully exposed, or even developed, until there is already a good and strong connection and communication. In such instances, the presence of a psychiatric disorder is really not that different that the development of any physical disease, impairment or disability. In these cases, one's own character and integrity becomes the crux. Here, the two people need to deal with the actual details of the diagnosed condition, the aggravating factors, the treatment options available, and work together to successfully manage it....

I can tell you that, like any chronic medical condition, denial and avoidance are almost always issues that need to be worked through. Also, the medications prescribed are seldom side-effect-free, and so the continuation/adherence to treatment recommendations is difficult and problematic. There is still a lot of ignorance, misinformation and, even more significantly, stigma, associated with psychiatric disorders, and one must very quickly assess one's own values and knowledge before trying to effectively deal with a significant other so diagnosed. These disorders are much more prevalent than most are aware - that means that there are many, many successful couples who manage these issues; of course theree are many, many horrible relationships that don't involve any psychiatric condition at all....

Good luck and best wishes!!

Dating related....

Yeah, to amplify pc's point, I don't know a marriage in this world that doesn't have anxiety issues.

Stay strong, devil. Love is strong, in many forms.

Who said "women are certifiable"?

Does that thread still exist on GOAZCATS?

I did, and rightly so. That was right after I got out of a 14-month relationship with a suicidally depressive Texas transplant whose family never left their hole of a home in Moon Valley, who couldn't hold down a job, couldn't pay rent, didn't own a car and ultimately drained my bank account of more than $10,000.

If the girl is cute and the sex is hot, we men overlook a lot. But I learned more from that relationship than any other, and the No. 1 thing was this:

Don't live for others in any relationship unless you're first satisfied with how they live for you, and how you are with them. You're dooming yourself and the relationship to failure if you agree to any long-term commitment based on less.

Because those commitments become expectations. Almost the next day. And you're just not being fair to yourself.

As we grow older, anxiety becomes harder to handle. Youth can blow it off, not be responsible, or power through.

But I've found that you and your partner need to add to your anxiety toolbox all the time. Use faith, use counseling, use exercise, use a medication (in moderation--we're not trying to live like Heath Ledger), even smoke a bowl if you're both down with it.

Just be adult about it. More and more businesses have to advertise that they don't allow assistive animals into their establishments because the codependent among us are bringing their dogs everywhere and getting doctors to play along with the "long con" that they need the animals to reduce their medical anxiety.

American society needs grown-ups leading it. Now, more than ever. Don't let any anxiety ever make you anything less, Uadevil. Best.

Thanks guys. I've got a lot to think about. I've taken a step back this week and giving her space. I'll reach out in a week or so and see if I can get her to commit to a serious conversation. Until we can both be completely open moving forward will be tough.

catgrad97 wrote:
Don't live for others in any relationship unless you're first satisfied with how they live for you, and how you are with them. You're dooming yourself and the relationship to failure if you agree to any long-term commitment based on less.

Because those commitments become expectations. Almost the next day. And you're just not being fair to yourself.

As we grow older, anxiety becomes harder to handle. Youth can blow it off, not be responsible, or power through.

But I've found that you and your partner need to add to your anxiety toolbox all the time. Use faith, use counseling, use exercise, use a medication (in moderation--we're not trying to live like Heath Ledger), even smoke a bowl if you're both down with it.

Just be adult about it. More and more businesses have to advertise that they don't allow assistive animals into their establishments because the codependent among us are bringing their dogs everywhere and getting doctors to play along with the "long con" that they need the animals to reduce their medical anxiety.

American society needs grown-ups leading it. Now, more than ever. Don't let any anxiety ever make you anything less, Uadevil. Best.

Amen. Don't let your hormones get you stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you.

An Update:

In early August we had some really nice conversations and things seemed to be on the right track. There would still be moments though, like driving somewhere and I look over at her and she's white-knuckled and just has this intense, teeth-gritting look for 5-10 minutes then everything is fine again. One night we'd go out and things were just amazing. The next, she'd be withdrawn and commenting all evening how tired she was. Then the next day, everything's great again! What a roller coaster. Then...about 3 weeks ago, she gets really distant and ghosts on me. Have not communicated since. Sent her a letter in the snail mail wishing her well and all. Maybe dodged a bullet, on to the next.

Great job on the letter. Now you don't have to feel weird at all when she hopes you didn't see her in the CVS.

Longhorned wrote:Great job on the letter. Now you don't have to feel weird at all when she hopes you didn't see her in the CVS.

Lol. I'm sure we'll have some awkward run-ins from time to time as we frequent a lot of the same places and I volunteer at a place right across the street from where she volunteers on the weekends...I'm sure we'll bump into one another soon. It's really too bad. Cared a great deal for her (still do), but fuck, what an emotional roller coaster. Never knowing where you stand with someone day to day for many months on end is a mindfuck.