Venting Thread

[dovecanyoncat]

I'm deeply sympathetic to Greg's situation with doctor availability, and as a couple who moves seemingly every 5 or 6 years, we have made it worse for ourselves. Finding new doctors is a fucking pain. When we moved here from Sedona we got a new Tucson doc who turned out to be mostly training a stable of much younger doctors, and their availability is limited in itself. We are in the process of getting another PCP down here in GV but until that is established you can bet we're keeping our Tucson guy on the books.

[scumdevils86]

My dad is 66 and is on his 8th PCP in the last 5 years.

[azgreg]

Getting a tooth implant this afternoon. Not looking forward to it.

[Alieberman]

I’ve had to get 1 implant before. The worst part by far is the bill

[UAEebs86]

I'm having a consultation on one this afternoon. Going to Midwestern Dental School to try to save some $$$.

[RichardCranium]

U godda stop takin in so much vitamin D so you can have weak bones (not osteoporosis, just weak). Then your periodontist can nix the implant (like he did me) and you just have to live with a gap in your grill.

[Alieberman]

Need to vent for a second... and if anyone has been here and has any advise... I'm all ears.

I am at that point in life where I don't need to worry so much about my kids anymore... but my worries have now switched to my parents.

They are 80+ and still living in their big house where I grew up. My mom is still doing great but my dad is struggling with his short term memory. (Side note- It's fascinating that he can name off his entire 2nd grade class but often can't recall things you told him yesterday.). He handles all of their finances and it has recently come to my attention that he has missed some payments on credit cards or has had insufficient funds because he hasn't transferred money into the right accounts, etc. (They are more than fine financially FYI) And now I just found out that he got an extension on his taxes from this past year and they are due in like 2 weeks, he hasn't started them yet, probably doesn't know where all his paperwork is but he refuses to hire someone to do their taxes. My mom is constantly reminding him to do these things, for him to get help but he refuses help and this is causing lots of fights between them. My mom is overwhelmed and its at the point that my sister and I need to intervene. Honestly... I am terrified of this "intervention". We have made lots of suggestions to them about what they should be doing. (moving to smaller place- a nice retirement community... getting some extra help, etc... but it is always ignored)

But now my sister and I need to force some changes.

It's going to be horrible- my Dad is going to be pissed.

Blah.....

[CalStateTempe]

I am sorry Ari, we went through that with my FIL from 2021-2023.

I have no answers, just sending you my best and most positive wishes

[dovecanyoncat]

You are a father, you will be better at this than I was. It was horrible and many parts of the past, both mine and his, came to die in the face of what had to be done. The gruesome short strokes will become known to you and I hope you don't abuse yourself in them, but try to remember this: our devotions, our duty to love, are not symmetrical in respect of our parents. They are equivalent without being symmetrical. The nurturing you will undertake is inverted in almost every way to what you grew into becoming a young parent. If you have siblings I hope they will counsel you and support you in this discovery; there may new and wonderful understandings to be found in formerly stagnant corners of your family, so embrace them. Try to keep his dignity in mind as you weigh the needs of your mother in your reckoning of his failing abilities. In searching for virtue try to see him as a father and a husband and a friend. It's a costly reward you embark on. All the lessons will accrue to you, and that's the hardest part.

[Chicat]

My only suggestion is to frame it up as concern about ensuring that day to day finance doesn’t derail what they are hoping to leave to you and your kids, not just monetarily but as far as leaving you all free from worry and conflict. The more you have to worry whether their electric bill was paid, the less free time and the less freedom from anxiety you will have. The burden isn’t taking on paying their bills. It’s worrying that they aren’t getting paid.

[pc in NM]

I went through similar with my mother. She had to move after a stroke combined with broken wrist and ankle. I don't think we ever could have convinced her to move had she been able to stay at all.

I learned that losing mobility (driving) and home is such a difficult change - and cognitive decline only exacerbates the resistance. minor mismanagement of finances, of course, raises concerns, but family members can often make accommodations for such. But, when safety becomes the issue, confrontation may be necessary.

Couples can live together in assisted living facilities and still maintain some independence, but when one requires a higher-level-of-care, tough decisions (for both) are ahead.

In any case, I recommend that you do whatever you can to get medical power of attorney at the earliest opportunity.

Regarding the memory loss, my mother had Non-Alzheimer's dementia, and lived her last four years in a dementia-specific nursing home. Most of the time when I visited, I would walk her around in her wheelchair and ask her about her grade school and childhood memories - those were the only conversations approaching coherence in her last three years.

I'm afraid the outlook seems bleak, but, they did care for you when you couldn't manage yourself at all - being loving and as tolerant as possible is all I can really offer...

[Alieberman]

Thank all for the really thoughtful responses. It means a lot

[Merkin]

(Side note- It's fascinating that he can name off his entire 2nd grade class but often can't recall things you told him yesterday.).

I recall reading some time back that if you remember things when you were a kid better than you do last week, that's a sign of Alzheimer's, or maybe some other dementia.

My dad is 90 and living on his own after my mom passed in 2010, but fortunately he still does have his memory, although he is a complete pain in the ass, but fortunately for me, my Tucson siblings can take care of him.

One of my sisters did buy a house next to hers for him to live in so she can watch over him better, but he refuses to move.

Don't have any words of advice, but it's probably good to know that you aren't the only one going through this.

And something to remember when you get that age, and your kids have to deal with you.

[Alieberman]

I've been told it's not Alzheimer's but my mom is trying to make another appointment for him with a neurologist. (which he is fighting her on!)

[dovecanyoncat]

In any case, I recommend that you do whatever you can to get medical power of attorney at the earliest opportunity.

Yes. And financial POA as well. Perhaps become guardian and representative (if only) of Mom.

[dovecanyoncat]

Having both POAs for both parents helped my brother and me a great deal as our mother declined unto death and our father lost ability to make medical decisions on her behalf and to manage financial minutiae, minutiae which had very large cumulative consequences which we would have not discovered without administrative authority/access to all family financial records/accounts. These powers not only allow sons and daughters to protect their parents from each other, but also allows them to use family accounts to fund legal counsel and to insulate themselves from initial cost surprises as discovery takes place, and leaves harder financial decisions for a further-removed fall back position.

[Chicat]

All of my favorite teams fucking hate me.

And again…

Cats
Rams
Tottenham
Yankees
Fantasy Football

I am in a vortex of sports fandom failure. Someone shoot me.

[Alieberman]

All of my favorite teams fucking hate me.

And again…

Cats
Rams
Tottenham
Yankees
Fantasy Football

I am in a vortex of sports fandom failure. Someone shoot me.

Welcome to the Club... Misery loves company!

[Chicat]

All of my favorite teams fucking hate me.

And again…

Cats
Rams
Tottenham
Yankees
Fantasy Football

I am in a vortex of sports fandom failure. Someone shoot me.

Welcome to the Club... Misery loves company!

Didn’t the Cardinals and Bears win? You can go away now.

[dovecanyoncat]

So, it was my beloved brother's turn this time. The live-in nurse and her husband/caretaker for our 95 year-old father (who is determined to live out his life off-the-grid at the North Pole [actually Polebridge, MT.] on a 40 acre compound he has turned into a multi-million $ money pit) have bailed on short notice. So my brother and partner went up to do the it's-time-for-assisted-living intervention and to bring a very complicated charitable trust into line with changing reality. He succeeded on every front.

Meanwhile, my 92 year-old MIL with macular degeneration just totaled her car in Arkansas by rear-ending a semi. No injuries, and the really good outcome is she says she will no longer drive.

There are ponies in these piles of shit, I just have to dig for them.

[dovecanyoncat]

We had a late lunch at North in La Encantada. Left at 3:30. Google maps opines we should be in Green Valley in 40 more minutes.

[dovecanyoncat]

It took 3.5 hours to get from Campbell and Skyline to Green Valley. Truck rollover on !-19 at Pima Mine Rd. You never know what momentary insanities grip people when they get caught in traffic stasis, but there were some truly bizarre maneuvers made behind the wheel last night as folks bailed off I-19. I eventually got across the median and went to Nogales Hwy. where things were even worse. One moron is crisis mode sent 50 drivers to crazytown for a half hour, leading to a melt down in rational behavior. People are fucking weird as fuck.

[azgreg]

For the first time in my life since I got out out of the Army in 1986 I'm dealing with daylight savings time. What a monumentally stupid idea.

[Chicat]

For the first time in my life since I got out out of the Army in 1986 I'm dealing with daylight savings time. What a monumentally stupid idea.

This isn’t even the bad one. It’s the Spring forward that will (possibly literally) kill you.

[CalStateTempe]

Woke up at 4am pacific…

Ugh

[Merkin]

CA and other states voted to keep DST all year round. Needs federal approval though, and stalled in congress. Even Florida wants it too.

[84Cat]

It makes more sense for northern states but I would still love to see it go. I slept 9 1/2 hours yesterday and only 7 today. Chi is right though, spring is brutal. The health effects are devastating. More heart attacks and other health problems during the spring forward

[CalStateTempe]

Anyone who campaigns on this has my vote. End the tyranny of the 1800s agriculture

[azgreg]

By the way, what time is it at teh north and south poles?

[RichardCranium]

By the way, what time is it at teh north and south poles?

Depends.

Where is your base station?

Either that or UTC. Maybe always UTC.

[Merkin]

Regarding DST ending, the only thing good about it is that 8pm Tucson games now come on at 7pm in California. That hour does make a lot of difference for us old folks.

[84Cat]

Regarding DST ending, the only thing good about it is that 8pm Tucson games now come on at 7pm in California. That hour does make a lot of difference for us old folks.

Yeah, we're the same time instead of an hour later. Big difference for me

[azgreg]

HOAs suck. We submitted our backyard landscaping plan and it was denied. Just simple fake grass and gravel with a french drain like they wanted. No reason given for the denial.

[Chicat]

HOAs suck. We submitted our backyard landscaping plan and it was denied. Just simple fake grass and gravel with a french drain like they wanted. No reason given for the denial.

Maybe they don’t like your face. Have you considered that?

[azgreg]

HOAs suck. We submitted our backyard landscaping plan and it was denied. Just simple fake grass and gravel with a french drain like they wanted. No reason given for the denial.

Maybe they don’t like your face. Have you considered that?

What are you talking about? I'm a fucking delight!