I was archiving some old threads this afternoon when I came across this. For posterity and for response, I'm leaving my posts in it here:
catgrad97 wrote:Well, bad news, guys. I won't be able to make it down Saturday.
I had it all planned out to carpool with devilswin99 down for the tailgate, but....when life happens, it happens. HARD.
Without getting too involved, the fiancee's dad is having recurring medical issues. He's had diabetes for a number of years, has been in and out of the hospital since the turn of the century, and we've watched his legs turn into toothpicks and his feet become numb and ulcered.
The financial fallout from this recurring issue has been brutal enough. Both of her parents had to file Chapter 11 this year because the medical bills (even with Medicare) went beyond their ability to pay. We're waiting any day now to come back from one of his three-a-week dialysis sessions to their house they've owned for 35 years and find a gray lockbox on the door from Chase.
But now they're talking about amputation. Doctors say they need to get him back in the hospital because there's no blood flow below his knees.
Fiancee' can't do anything because her own trip to the ER last year (e-coli poisoning--you don't want to know) drained her already limited savings. I talked to her on the phone tonight and she admitted "I'm not happy with you going down to the game. There are things that have to get done around here."
Dad agrees with fiancee', that I should stay up there and be there for her. I've already been away from home three days this week due to college classes I teach in Phoenix.
Dad says it would be "selfish" of me to go to the game when fiancee is upset and "obviously" needs me to be there and be with her.
Anyone disagree? That's where I'm at.
I don't think I'm understating when I say that this situation, all the way around, absolutely sucks. I feel like I have to make all the hard decisions for circumstances affecting other people which are beyond anybody's control.
But I've made such decisions before. And I guess I'll make such a decision again here, for my fiancee. Because I love her. Because we're soulmates.
But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. It's not like we even have a kid yet, but I guess the days of living my own life are over just the same.
Sigh...just sucks. Sorry, guys. Wish like hell I could be there.
catgrad97 wrote:Just wanted to again bump this thread to give my thanks for all of the helpful advice and insight on this thread.
It really does lend a better perspective. Sounds weird, but if I just made the decision without reflecting upon it and seeking other's POVs, I would have just stayed home and swallowed my regret without a word. If I feel she is my soulmate, I have to act the "adult" in every way possible: that would have been my only rationale.
Reading the dissenting opinions on this thread actually provides some good food for thought. Her dad is probably going in the hospital for a few days next week, but I honestly don't know how serious it will turn out to be.
Living with the negativity of a woman whose father is so afflicted by diabetes and whose bank account, in spite of holding a regular job, has never been quite enough to pay all her bills on time the last couple or so months--sharing this sadness and negativity for the rest of my life definitely gives me pause, Jason.
I mean, it wasn't my fault her father is on dialysis and may lose a foot--but then again, neither is it hers.
It wasn't my fault she is so consumed by medical bills that she doesn't have enough left in her savings at the end of an average month to buy a McDonald's Value Meal--but, again, neither is the fault hers.
I agree 1000 percent that each of us need to give the other space. Trouble is, she doesn't have the friends to have a "girl's night out," even if I gave her the money.
These days, she usually doesn't have the petty cash to do anything in the evenings except sit at home and watch TV. And that gets old REALLY fast.
She's close to her parents--even though she, like Jason, says she doesn't make our personal life their business, and I believe her--but on a typical work evening, she doesn't seek out any sort of active social life. She cooks dinner, we eat, I go in the office to grade papers or post on here while she watches TV, at 8-9 she says "I'm going to go to bed" and does. That's about it.
Thankfully, we're not officially married yet, but these are nagging concerns I have. I've tried to communicate them to her with limited success. (Talking to a woman about expanding her social circle is about as advisable for an s.o. as addressing her physical attractiveness, I've found.)
She just doesn't seem interested (or seems to have the money) to have a life outside of work and family right now. I'd like to, but being gone two nights a week, I respect her wishes for me to be with her as much as possible.
I just don't want this to become clinginess down the road. I'm sure it will all work out though. (Besides, I KNEW there'd be another rain delay for tonight's season opener! )
Thanks again, guys.
catgrad97 wrote:In case you haven't heard already...
father-in-law died in the hospital last Friday night. I was there by his side when he passed, with the s.o.
It has been a very emotional last week-and-a-half. The man and I had only known each other for three years but had become quite close. As I testified at his funeral, he was not just my father-in-law, but a friend as well.
I am frankly p*ssed off at the way life works right now. I ended up having to foot the bill for the funeral out of my savings because the man's medical expenses made everyone else flat broke (s.o.'s brother says he'll pay back half over the next year or so, but I'll believe it when I see it).
And yet here I am on Monday, continuing to hustle for work as I haven't had a full-time job since November. Yeah, today has not been easy.
I know I love my fiancee' now more than ever--that was never in question. But I also know that if I run into about 60 percent of her relatives who were at that funeral again, it will be too soon.
I'll continue to be there for s.o. and her mom, who are truly good people and who don't deserve 1/100th of all the medical and family stress they have had to wade through over the past 12 years. I'm ostensibly the man of the family now.
But the purse strings are now closed. And it's time to get full-time work somewhere or quit having certain potential employers waste my time.
I love teaching at the college level, but with the education and experience I have, it is IMO flat-out retarded that I'm still substitute-teaching d-bag high school kids three days a week.
Thanks again for all the support, guys. I'm going to set the Stanford weekend aside and inform all interested parties EARLY, so as to avoid any last-minute reprioritizing again.